“I’ve taken the first step” I said to Ian.
“Well, you must’ve taken many steps to reach this point” he replied to me, his British accent aged to audible wisdom, “it seems as if only now you realize you’ve been walking”
“Walking awake in this direction, yes. I was somnambulating before” I replied, my cigar smoldering on it’s tip. Our game of chess had gone on into the night, more or less a battle of outlooks than marble kings and queens. Ian looked back at me, his pipe emitting a sweet aroma of tobacco, totally defiant.
Natalie walked in just then, more beautiful than ever, captured forever in time. In this moment. In this frame of mind. In my mind.
“You boys at it again?” she asked, and then looked at the board “Rook to G8”
“Thank you!” I responded, as if stating the obvious, and moved my piece.
“My dear, will you ever learn to just mind your business?” Ian asked
“I’m a woman, you know I can’t” she replied in the same sarcastic candor.
“Our friend Vincent here says he’s taken the first major step” Ian directed us back to the previous conversation.
“Which one?” Natalie asked in anticipation
“The first step to an authentic life” replied Ian, “Check”
My knight was gone, my king in jeopardy. The old man was good.
“Was your life any less than authentic before?” she asked me, inquisitively
“It was certainly unique, Natalie, yes, but it wasn’t really my own. My decisions were based mostly on what other people wanted of me, or wanted me to be. It was based on the idea that I owed people something, that I couldn’t handle things on my own. The step I’ve taken has, at the very least, has ensured my independence”
“And about time too!” a voice cried from the back of the café
We all looked in that general direction, “Don’t tell me you invited him” Ian asked me, slightly aghast.
“I did”
“But he’s so darn… evil”
“I think he’s brilliant” Natalie replied
“That’s because, my dear, you have fallen prey to his charm and demeanor. Trust me when I say that he is not what he is”
Natalie sighed, “He has but told us as much, and I believe as conniving and scheming as he is, his advice is still valuable”
The voice replied, “I hear much talking of my tactics, but no invitation to come forward. Pray, how much longer must I wait in the shadows?”
“Come ahead, Iago, come ahead” I gestured. Iago walked forward, bald head and strong goateed, dressed in renaissant splendor and radiating a Shakespearian majesty worthy of his kind.
Iago bowed to us, “And as a gesture of my goodwill… pawn to C5”
I stared at the board, and concurred. Blocking Ian’s bishop.
Ian grunted, “As usual Iago, you put your pawns ahead of yourself. Deceit springs eternal from your pores”
“I am deceitful only when I have to be. And as I’ve said I have given up my evil ways in hopes of helping our young friend here” he gestured to me, giving a hardy pat on the shoulder. It was a bit too convincing. “Natalie, my dear, you look as charming as ever.”
“And you look like a smudged mirror, stop kissing yourself” Natalie replied, her eyebrow cocked even after her ammunition flew.
“Zounds, I am undone” said the villain, and retreated to his comfy red chair, sipping his strawberry & crème frappuccino.
“Should we wait for John before we further our conversation?” Natalie asked
“John will come and go as he pleases” I replied, “we’ll fill him in when he arrives.”
“Well then, tell me more about your authentic life” she pulled up a chair and sat very close to me, anticipating. Ian stared at the chess board, reasoning. Iago sat his in chair, slurping.
“It began two years ago, when I had my anxiety disorder… you remember those don’t you?”
There were mutterings of “of course” and “how could we forget” and “whatever” from the guests.
“Well” I continued, “I realized at that time I truly was not in control of my own life. I felt like I was a victim of fear, of sheer speculation, and it horrified me knowing this. It depressed me. My life was out of control because my thoughts were so distorted that opportunity immediately meant failure and fear meant safety. Anxiety became my excuse for avoiding life. I vowed that if I ever got over the disorder, I would never take my life for granted again. As you know, it took a good year before I finally overcame the worst of my anxiety attacks, once occurring daily now occurring seldom if ever. And now that I’m over my initial fears of insanity, death, and yes, life too, I realized that for the first time, my life is truly in my control”
“That’s quite an epiphany” was the only thing Natalie could say
“Yes, it’s a tale of woe and redemption” Ian replied, less than amazed, “although I’m still not convinced you’re going about this the right way”
“O, slanderer!” Iago broke into the conversation, whip cream on his goatee, “would you clip the wings of a baby sparrow before it began it’s flight?”
“Why?” Natalie asked, “what are you planning on doing?”
I breathed, “I am going to try for a job down in Sacramento. It’s a tech support job. It’s a brilliant opportunity, financially of course, but the experience of it! It will be the first time on my own-”
“Except you won’t be on your own” Ian replied, “you’ll be with your friends, sharing an apartment, and… didn’t he tell you, my dear?” Ian looked to Natalie, “he’s taking some time off from college to do all this”
“Well, what of it, Ian?” she rushed to my defense, “after the difficulty he has this past semester, I believe he’s entitled to break”
“Of course he’s entitled. The difference is knowing when to reward yourself for something truly remarkable. Otherwise, you keep rewarding yourself for every little deed you do, and it becomes simple, selfish indulgence”
“Ian, do you think I would be doing this to escape college?” I began, “I am not dropping out of college. The job I’m taking in Sacramento, if I am hired that is, will provide me more money than what I’m making right now. The money I earn I can put towards my education down the road, not to mention, this is a chance for me to start living a life of reality. I’ll be paying rent, utilities, for laundry and food. Whatever comfort and pleasure I receive in this incarnation will be a result of my own hard work and well planning. It won’t be easy, I have no disillusions about that, but it is necessary. It is something I need to learn, and it might as well be now. I will return to school after this sabbatical, more motivated than ever. I’ve spent far too much time at home, I need to learn what it’s like to live on my own”
There was a momentary silence. Natalie broke it, “It kinda sounds like you’ve thought this through”
“It took me over three months before I came to this conclusion. I didn’t make it on a whim”
“I wasn’t saying that. Knight takes pawn.” Ian was fortifying his position, and his argument “I’m just not entirely sure you’re ready of such a change right now. Let’s look at your current life right now: you live at home, in a town you’re comfortable with. People would kill to have the kind of life you’ve had. Good family, good home. Autumns in Redding are always calming. Two more years of College are all that separate you from an A.A. degree. You love your current job, why give it up to pursue something new, so soon? Your current life is comfortable, why not just stick it out a little longer and then, when you complete your studies, go try for this dream job of yours? What guarantees do you have that you will return to school at all?”
I thought of Ian’s words wisely as I studied the board. “Queen takes bishop” said I, and his defense was cut off. “I cannot guarantee anything, old friend. I don’t even have the job yet. It’s a risk I’m taking, yes, I have already cancelled my semester classes at Shasta this Fall. I’ll be doubling my workload at my current job to make money in case I do move to Sacramento, and I am, mark me, planning to return to College after this journey. Possibly Southern Oregon University instead of Shasta. I intend to finish my novel by the end of next spring too, and just getting out of Redding may be all the motivation I need to finish that book. It gives me opportunities… and for the first time in a long time, I fear not the opportunity… I fear the consequences of inaction. I fear that I’ll miss out on truly wonderful experiences simply because I’m holding on to comfort. I held onto comfort two years ago, in my age of anxiety, crying about missed opportunities and dreading the coming ones at the same time. I’m not crying anymore. This new chapter in my life scares me, it scares me to death. But I’m not going to let such a little thing as doubt stand between me and a possibility for a new life. An authentic life.”
Ian stared at the board, contemplating his next pivotal move. “I do not doubt your ability to have an authentic life, Vincent. Only your motivation. You will be living with some close friends of yours.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing”
“Camaraderie aside, it will seem to others that you are doing this simply because you don’t want to be the last open-minded man in Redding. Knight takes Queen. Most of your friends are moving on to new lives. Some to College, some to military lives, some moving in with significant others in other lands. It seems like if you don’t get out of Redding this Autumn, you will be left behind. The only long-standing friends you’ll have in this town will be co-workers, and people who never want to leave this town. I feel this frightens you more than anything else, because it will mean that you, in your mindset, will be all alone. By moving in with these friends of yours, you’re reinforcing a more recreational mindset, rather than a serious one based on living in reality”
“That’s some accusation, mister” a voice thick with pride spoke as he walked towards us. John had decided to join us, dressed in his western best, spurs and all, smoking a cigarette. The fog of smoke was getting thick in my imagination. “Coffee. Black” he spoke, the barista got his order, and John proceeded to join us in our discussions.
“I am not accusing anyone, cowboy. Don’t make me out as a villain, I only play one in cinema.”
“You’re not a villain, Ian,” I said and then beemed, “Rook takes Bishop. Checkmate. No, Ian, you are not a villain. You’re simply speaking from a wisdom of reason and contentment. I agree, I am very content with my life in Redding, and yes, I am somewhat saddened that all of my friends are moving on to bigger and better things. Maybe I do view this opportunity as one way for me to be not left behind. I’d just be stuck here for two more years, and I’d really like to break the mold and go do something exciting like what I’m doing right now. I’ve already taken the first step, as I’ve said before, and I’m not doubling back now. And as for moving in with these friends of mine, well, I’ve never had room mates before. It will be another part of the whole experience! And I know this new phase will change my life… and I know I am ready to start living.” I ended my monologue. Ian looked defeated for only a moment, and then returned to content. His smile meant approval, it wasn’t what I was expecting, but I appreciated it.
Natalie smiled too.
Iago sat, contemplating, “What say you, cowboy?”
John just stood there and said in his oddly American accent: “A man has to break out on his own at some point or another. I think it’s just about time you left this one-horse town behind, made your fortune out in world. Education comes in more than just textbooks and classrooms, kid. You’ll go out into the world and learn from your adventures, learn from others, and from your own mistakes. This kind of education will indeed shape who you are. If you got the guts to stand up for what you believe in, there isn’t enough doubt in the world to stop you.”
“I concur” Ian said
I sat for the longest time, thinking back to the words of an old friend.
“You know… my friend Ryan e-mailed me a note a year ago. I keep it in my pocket always and it reminds me of his wisdom.” I unfolded the paper, and I read it aloud:
""Finding a place of true happiness in this world, is no small feat. Every day, people walk through their lives stuck in a haze of existential boredom, and circumstantial depression. In this darkness though, there is a light. The light of a well worn smile. The people who have found the secret of living. The secret? A choice. We choose who we are, what we do, how we feel and act and think. I think it is evident, that you have found this. Kudos! Blessings to you my friend.
-Ryan Simpson.""
My eyes began to water when I thought of my dearly departed friend. I felt like when I read those words, though they written to me one year ago before… I felt like in some small way, I had already gained his approval.
“To Ryan” Iago raised his glass. The entire room raised their glasses.
Natalie then spoke up, “When all is said and done, Vincent, your friend Ryan was right. It is all about choice. You don’t need anybody’s approval or validation, just your own. The pencil is in your hand, you are writing your destiny! I think it’s time you exercised your writing arm.”
She smiled with a full grin this time, “of course, you already know this. After all, we’re not really here. You’ve been talking in your mind this entire time.”
And then, Ian, John, Natalie and Iago disappeared, back into the recesses of my imagination. The smoke cleared. I was alone, back in reality, but then my path appeared before me. I started to walk, fully awake, realizing that my introspection was indeed true: we are the artists of our lives.
It is time to start my masterpiece. Wish me luck!
-Vincent I. Kessinger
